26 posts tagged “emo”
someone just take me away........
I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Ok, so I miss writing some random stuff here in my blog. This almost always happens. I register for a blog, go loco over it for a couple of months, then go hiatus. It's a cycle. Haha. I just proved that it is, 'cause its the nth time this has happened.
Here I am now trying to redeem myself. Give me a break.
My finals week just ended and it literally was hell for me. I broke down after one utterly brain draining exam on business law. I couldn't keep myself composed, my professor bothered me since day one. He's the most arrogant, self-obsessed, know-it-all, heartless freak I've ever met. Not to mention, I have no interest in law.. not a tiny bit. Combine both, and it's like suicide. As soon as I finished shading that last circle on the scannable answer sheet, I rushed out of the room... I found myself walking on my way to the school chapel. The moment I knelt down, I cried my heart out. I felt so tired. I've been in school for four years now.. I just felt so tired. Failing this class is the last thing I need. And my professor is just the exact opposite of the-icing-on-top-of-the-cake thing. There is STILL a miniscule part of me that is HOPING that I pass. By some miracle or what, it could happen.
Anyway I mentioned in my last post that someone has confessed that he liked me. For the past few weeks, he has said the nicest things to me. We've talked a lot on the phone since my line has that unlimited call service. So I can stay as long as I like on my cellphone. He'd buy me cotton candy, sometimes he'd get me ice cream. I know I should melt over chocolates and flowers (should I? haha), but apparently, those small gestures were enough. I guess it doesn't take much to flatter me. Like I said, he'd say the nicest things. I must admit, I've heard most of his words before (from past relationships). But his was just at its sincerest. I know without a doubt that he means what he says. Once I said to him after he gave me a surprise "Thank you, but this is too much. I really appreciate it though. Thank you." He didn't immediately respond, but he sent me a text message after a few minutes.. "...its never too much when it comes to making you happy cause for the first time in my life I found a person who appreciates even the smallest gestures I make... a person who could make me smile without really trying... someone who gives me hope when I feel like giving up... no.. its never too much.. cause whatever I do I know I'm making someone happy... someone worth making happy.. someone like youÜ" it was really sweet. The good thing is, I do believe him. The other side to it is that...it's not enough. Not anymore. I used to fall as soon as the guy knew how to hit me in the heart.. but this time, I've put up a wall. He's such a good person, and I know he has his best intentions for me. He admitted that this is his first time. Its flattering at the same time it scares me, I dont want to be the person who breaks his heart. That sucks. I don't know. Things just happened way too fast. I think my reflex was to put him on the friend zone. Tsk.
My brother's wedding is coming up in a month or two. I've been doing arrangements for his venue. We found a really nice Church.. it has its historic-spanish-look. Its a Church in Guadalupe and it sort of looks like a mini cathedral. We've been looking for wedding bands too. He just bought the rings early today. By the way, while we were in the jewelry store, my mom was pointing out a pendant to me. She knows I've been looking for a simple cross pendant. Just to keep a reminder of my faith near my heart. And there it was. Next thing I know, my mom got me this diamond studded cross. It was way too expensive but she got it for me as an early graduation gift. =) I'm so happy!! I'm still not over it. I've never seen anything so beautiful. :) I even want to have it blessed. I'd also want to wear it every single day. =) Weee! I'm one happy slob. :) Sadly, I dont have the means to upload pictures.. but I've taken pics of the Church and even my new necklace. :) I want to share how pretty they are. SIgh.
It's already late.. I still have to go to school tomorrow for a meeting. I have to enroll for summer classes too. I'll see if I can update this as often. Btw, I have plans of applying for a summer job. Still working on my resume though. :)
I missed this.
To be continued...
I got what I had expected. My feared moment came. Days before yesterday, I was hoping and praying that it wouldn't have to come to this.. but it was beyond my control. I tried so hard to be as civil as possible and I think I passed the test. But my friends sensed what was building up inside of me. I tried to put up a front, but my friends saw right through me. So they practically emulated the mixture of angst and hurt I was feeling deep inside. As I said in my last entry, I lost something and its because of a particular girl. Last night at a get-together, she just had to rain on my parade. I hate it that I can't seem to get myself to be mad at the person who brought her there... him.
I know it sounds peculiar that I keep talking about losing something. When in fact, all this is about a certain guy. To clear things, I know I didn't lose HIM (for as long as I still exist in his world, and he exists in mine). I lost, however, a possibility of something good. People would ask, "didn't you guys have a "thing" before?" Its that THING that matters, and I lost it. It could've been something more....................
I thought I was over this whole issue, then I realized that I just got so used to it. I said a month ago that I'd be okay.. my condition though was that "for as long as I'm not reminded of how he hurt me."
Not only was I reminded. I felt it once again.
I wonder how it feels like to face the person whom have caused your loss. You know that person was once threatened s/he'd lose over you, but maybe by some twist of fate or force of nature, s/he won and claimed the "prize". It didn't matter how or why, all that mattered was s/he had it in the end. And when time comes you'd have to face him/her.. that person would go on bragging what s/he got. And perhaps all you can do is sulk over the fact that once it was almost yours...
almost.
(i hate it when I'm in emo state. but shit happens.)
For a few weeks now, I haven't had much to say here. School has been keeping me. I get home tired and almost ready to doze off. But right now, I just feel like I have to... I missed my blog. :(
We pulled off the Mixxology party last weekend. A lot of people came that I actually saw the bouncers do their jobs. They blocked people at the entrance. I didnt want to see them use their toned muscles or what they call their "guns" on my batchmates so we had to settle things immediately. It was fun but stressful.. things had to be done and a lot of people to please. But yes, we pulled it off. :) Its over, finally.
Since this weekend, I've been happy for the wrong reasons. Or maybe I just think it's wrong. There are a lot of things I miss. I missed *****. And keeping it away is one of the hardest things to do (but I know I have to).. just having it back makes me feel all giddy.. regardless if that's how I'm supposed to feel. I find myself smiling at random moments. Strange. I like it when I smile though.. these are some of the few times I actually smile, not just for the sake of putting up a happy front. *sigh* But some people have better judgement when it comes to these matters.. and it seems they don't like it's effect on me. Tsk.
Speaking of other people's judgement.. lately, I've been close with a new found friend. He's a good conversationalist. In fact, I've never ever met any guy as insightful as him. I may not be of agreement to everything he says.. but I learn a lot from his opinions and philosphies. It's not everyday that you get to hear the soft spot of men. I've found myself a new "buddy". Believe me, this is purely platonic. The thing however is that when he get's too insightful, it scares me. He seems to have a keen sense of reading people. Somehow I feel like he knows me all too well though he barely knows me. He has just heard a few of my issues and my stories.. much much less than the stuff I've written here in my blog. I didn't know anyone could possibly be capable of that. No one wants to be read. Now Im starting to think that maybe I just let myself out there.. a little too available for people to read, I guess. But thats not how its supposed to be! Is it me? Or does he have some sort of "gift"? WYSIWYG is not my thing. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy talking to him. I'm just a bit worried on how I come across to people.
I need some reformatting or something. Oh God help me.
It's pouring outside, which lead me to shift on an emo state. There is just something about the rain. Like in the movies when there is a sudden downpour, it must mean the scene's depressing or something..
Moving on, I've been trying to evaluate the choices I've made for the past few days.. or weeks. I've been heavily distracted and stressed for unapparent reasons. Not even I can point a finger on it. But I realized that most of my recent decisions were rather impulsive. There are things that get the best of me. They just take control, which scares me. I fear that I'm losing the power to judge if the events that come my way are opportunities I should take or are they tests to see how strong I am to keep my feet on the ground. Just last week, our professor gave us some unsolicited advice saying that "you should stick to your ideals, don't ever compromise what you believe in." I wondered, then there would be no room to take risks if that's so. Are the things I've done cases of lapse of judgement? Or was I simply taking risks to see what could possibly be on the other side? Maybe I lost it. Or perhaps I'm still on track.
Confusion gets the best of me. I tend to overthink.
Faith is the only thing I'm holding on to now.
Why is it that when a guy does something that actually means a lot to the girl...
it's when he doesnt mean it at all?
He makes you feel something, just for the sake of making you feel good. And at the end of day, you'll just figure out it was all EMPTY.
Just nothing.. void of meaning.
I don't know what exactly to say here. Tsk.
Here's a quote from Grey's Anatomy (season 1). It pretty much sums up my thoughts.
I wish there were a rulebook for intimacy. Some kind of guide to tell you when you've crossed the line. It would be nice if you could see it coming, and I dont know how you fit it on a map. You take it where you can get it, and keep it as long as you can. And as far as rules, maybe there are none. Maybe the rules of intimacy are something you have to define yourself.
Errr.. rules..
Eversince this year started, I've been dreading Valentines Day. The absence of anyone special to share it with while others take joy in spending the night with dates, gifts, and sweets has been the thought that has lingered in my head all this time. I entered the school campus and with every few steps I took I'd bump onto someone with a bouquet of flowers. Every so often, I'd see guys trying to find the girls they'd give their flowers to, and girls stamped with cheesy smiles while they hold on to roses and tulips. And once in a while, I'd also see girls rolling their eyes as they see those mushy people... and I soon find myself being one of them.
Bitter as it may seem, its not for me to celebrate. My friends would say today is actually Singles Awareness Day. But for me, it had been each passing day since God knows when. I have nothing to be aware of. I am pretty much reminded of my "singleness" as often as men think about sex. Haha, I just don't need this day. I know I will.. just not today.
I know I sound all pessimistic, but surprisingly, my day went well except for the parts where I was amidst all the cheesiness, and when I took a quiz in my law class. Nonetheless, I did good stuff today. And there were friends who gave me some lovin'. So today is like any ordinary day with a little love and surprises.
Looking on the bright side:
- I did a huge favor for a friend today. He badly needed his external hard drive which he left at home, it was for his project due today, so I drove up to his place to pick it up and bring it to school. He was truly grateful and it made me feel really good despite ofcourse the pressures of the day. He even texted me saying that it has been a happy day for him.. and added "thanks to you" :)
- When I got to school, the first person I saw was the guy I've
been ranting about for the past few months. The irony of having him
there on this very day. Sheesh. But, he gave me an unexpected hug...
and a few more. We haven't had any physical contact since December. So
I was surprised but happy. I used to go all dramatic and confused when
things went that way, but today was way more than okay. I've got rid of
the bitterness, but of course little crumbs got left behind. Hah. Well,
it didnt bother me anymore. I didnt care if he was going to spend the
night with another girl, I seriously thought I would. Moved on, I
guess. :) Yay for me!
-
Ina, a good friend of mine, got me and elaine cupcakes for Valentines! :) It was a sweet gesture. We just became closer these past few months and she's been very thoughtful since. She's the type of friend you ought to keep til you grow old. :) Love ya ins!
- When I got home, my dad got me a gift! Weeee! :) He got me 2 tops
from Folded and Hung, a local brand. I love the shirts! He got me a
black collared shirt with pink and green stripes and a V-neck pink
shirt. :) Its the first time he actually gave me a gift for the hearts
day. There is indeed a first time for everything. :P Needless to say, I
love my dad.♥
- Can I just add, that yesterday, I learned how to breakdance a bit. haha! ..the "uprock" and "babyfreeze" moves. It's pretty cool.. :) Some dancers came to our school to give lessons on basic breakdancing.. I watched them and I have to admit, it got me practicing afterwards.. :P
Though having no special person today is such a bummer, I'm proud to say I got out of it alive. I'm a survivor. No breakdowns, no tears, no nothing. Just me, friends, family and of course God. ♥ For now, they just keep me alive. I still wish that someone would come along.. hopefully, next year would be different...
But for tonight.. sad to say, I have to prepare my presentation for tomorrow. While others are out on their respective dates, I am here doing school work.
Loser.
But loved. ♥
We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe, and it works. -Grey's Anatomy
I've been ranting about this guy in school for months already.
Hopefully, this is the last time I'm going to talk about him (at least
in this context). I think I've finally let myself let go of the
feeling. It's not the person I'm letting go of, it's just what I feel
for him. I am not entirely void of emotional attachments but as far as
I know and feel, I dont long to be with him anymore. This is, I guess,
the strongest I've been eversince the whole thing with him happened. I
dont mean this in a negative way, dont get me wrong. I was given so
many reasons not to get hung up on him, the he-doesn't-deserve-you
speeches and advices I got from my friends.. and though I listened to
them, a huge part of me didn't believe them even if I wanted to. I
guess we all do that. We "hope against all logic, all experience.".
Eventually, I got myself to believe they're right.. even if it had to
mean sitting close to him, my arms brushing up his shirt, having our
faces inches away.. and still keep me from wanting to be back the way
things were with him. I guess we just deny to ourselves too much that
we're just self inflicting pain. So its all about seeing what you want
to see and believing what you choose to believe. Now, everything's
pretty much stable. I've given up all the drama.. uhm, just most of it.
:) I'm okay..
so, YAY to me! :D
Anyway, "moving on".... (hehehehe!)
The ticket I designed in one of my previous entries was disapproved by a certain org in school despite our batch president's approval.. Our university does not allow events organized by the student council that involves liquor or alcohol. Since my design had a martini glass.. I was advised to change the entire layout. But the theme is actually mixing cocktails. Incidentally, I learned that this is an underground activity - the cocktail mixing part. So now I have to design a new ticket.. WITHOUT a THEME. How am I supposed to do that now? Err. They need it first thing in the morning.. what to do.. what to do.. what to do.. (?)
Earlier, I (literally) got a headache from the noise inside the internet cafe near my school. I was doing my internal analysis paper in a net cafe filled with "gamers" who actually shout, scream and curse while they play. It was too annoying! I put my headphones on and I played music (via youtube) and I could still hear them! Is it necessary to be that loud while playing the computer?? I don't want to offend anyone who plays computer games, but I just wanted a little consideration.. being a gentleman wouldn't hurt y'know. It's not even their own computers for crying out loud! Its a public place! Agh. It just really pissed me off. Stress and noise.. uh-uh, bad combination.
Oh, random thought... I have a lnot-so-little crush on my law professor. *chuckles*
I wasn't able to sleep well last night since I was doing my paper for my Business Policies (BUSIPOL) class. I'll probably make up for it tonight...
Out.
