9 posts tagged “life”

I think that last blog of mine was last year. I'm way much better now I must say. Still a little miserable but okay. We all get a liitle bit miserable once in a while right?

I graduated last month.. CONGRATULATIONS to me! =) It's such an achievement, especially after 5 long years. Its finally paid off actually...

I have work now. I've been working for the past 3 months. And unlike some "working" people I know, I enjoy what I do. I'm the events officer for ETC. I've been handling the channel's events and monthly movie premieres. So when it comes to my career.. it does seem like I'm on the right path. The road has to split somewhere.. but at the moment, it's not something I'm looking forward to.

What else have happened to me... hmmm... I'm in a relationship right now. Quite complicated but working on it. We've been together for a couple of months and the past months have been really good. Its not called the "honeymoon stage" for nothing. But yeah, it comes to the point when the relationship gets a little rough 'round the edges. Its not exactly perfect, but I'm hanging on.

I miss blogging. Just ranting on stuff happening in my life.. I'll do my very best to make this work again. It just that my job's taking up most of my time. BUT.. I'm not complaining. *wink*

So there, just a little update. =)

Its holy week and its perfect time to reflect and of course doze off a bit.. which I'm going to do right about now...

We all try to make a world of our own. It could be just temporary, depending on what we'd like to believe. When we make a decision.. we lay out the expected result of making such decision.. and do it as if everything lies in our hands. We do things and we take risks believing it'll end up the way we want it to (which by the way defeats the purpose of taking a "risk") Thus, we think we've created a world we have control of. We do things our way. And against all odds, we live in that world.... that is, until it breaks, and we snap back to this much much bigger world.. and soon, reality bites us in the ass.

I don't even know if I made any sense. It's just that sometimes we do things that we know may hurt us in the end yet we take that big leap of faith to prove the world wrong. Because in the "world" we've created for ourselves, what we've laid out is possible. We walk blindly, we cover our ears, we refuse to absorb any negativity because we believe our world exists. Soon enough, we'll come to realize that what surrounds us matters. How we live our world affects the people around us as well as our relationships, those that actually belong to the "real world". We can't just live selfishly. Sooner or later, the world we've created no longer exists. What hurts is when it happens at the most unexpected time.

I'm going in circles here. It's just that I made my own world in the past months. Now it's gone. A world no one knew about. (Don't ask.) I didn't even think it was another world until I lost it. I've finally come to realize that it was bound to end. I cant believe it took me a long time to have that epiphany. I got so caught up living it that I took for granted my life in the real one.

One thing holds true for me now....
We can never have the best of both worlds.
Because there is just one.

The one we do not create.

Ok, so I miss writing some random stuff here in my blog. This almost always happens. I register for a blog, go loco over it for a couple of months, then go hiatus. It's a cycle. Haha. I just proved that it is, 'cause its the nth time this has happened.

Here I am now trying to redeem myself. Give me a break.

My finals week just ended and it literally was hell for me. I broke down after one utterly brain draining exam on business law. I couldn't keep myself composed, my professor bothered me since day one. He's the most arrogant, self-obsessed, know-it-all, heartless freak I've ever met. Not to mention, I have no interest in law.. not a tiny bit. Combine both, and it's like suicide. As soon as I finished shading that last circle on the scannable answer sheet, I rushed out of the room... I found myself walking on my way to the school chapel. The moment I knelt down, I cried my heart out. I felt so tired. I've been in school for four years now.. I just felt so tired. Failing this class is the last thing I need. And my professor is just the exact opposite of the-icing-on-top-of-the-cake thing. There is STILL a miniscule part of me that is HOPING that I pass. By some miracle or what, it could happen.

Anyway I mentioned in my last post that someone has confessed that he liked me. For the past few weeks, he has said the nicest things to me. We've talked a lot on the phone since my line has that unlimited call service. So I can stay as long as I like on my cellphone. He'd buy me cotton candy, sometimes he'd get me ice cream. I know I should melt over chocolates and flowers (should I? haha), but apparently, those small gestures were enough. I guess it doesn't take much to flatter me. Like I said, he'd say the nicest things. I must admit, I've heard most of his words before (from past relationships). But his was just at its sincerest. I know without a doubt that he means what he says.  Once I said to him after he gave me a surprise "Thank you, but this is too much. I really appreciate it though. Thank you." He didn't immediately respond, but he sent me a text message after a few minutes.. "...its never too much when it comes to making you happy cause for the first time in my life I found a person who appreciates even the smallest gestures I make... a person who could make me smile without really trying... someone who gives me hope when I feel like giving up... no.. its never too much.. cause whatever I do I know I'm making someone happy... someone worth making happy.. someone like youÜ" it was really sweet. The good thing is, I do believe him. The other side to it is that...it's not enough. Not anymore. I used to fall as soon as the guy knew how to hit me in the heart.. but this time, I've put up a wall. He's such a good person, and I know he has his best intentions for me. He admitted that this is his first time. Its flattering at the same time it scares me, I dont want to be the person who breaks his heart. That sucks. I don't know. Things just happened way too fast. I think my reflex was to put him on the friend zone. Tsk.

My brother's wedding is coming up in a month or two. I've been doing arrangements for his venue. We found a really nice Church.. it has its historic-spanish-look. Its a Church in Guadalupe and it sort of looks like a mini cathedral. We've been looking for wedding bands too. He just bought the rings early today. By the way, while we were in the jewelry store, my mom was pointing out a pendant to me. She knows I've been looking for a simple cross pendant. Just to keep a reminder of my faith near my heart. And there it was. Next thing I know, my mom got me this diamond studded cross. It was way too expensive but she got it for me as an early graduation gift. =) I'm so happy!! I'm still not over it. I've never seen anything so beautiful. :) I even want to have it blessed. I'd also want to wear it every single day. =) Weee! I'm one happy slob. :) Sadly, I dont have the means to upload pictures.. but I've taken pics of the Church and even my new necklace. :) I want to share how pretty they are. SIgh.

It's already late.. I still have to go to school tomorrow for a meeting. I have to enroll for summer classes too. I'll see if I can update this as often. Btw, I have plans of applying for a summer job. Still working on my resume though. :)

I missed this.

To be continued...

I've been loaded with school work for the past few days. I even forgot to greet my brother when I saw him the morning of his birthday. I was finishing a transcript the night before, and I slept almost 5am already. I didn't have enough sleep that time.. and apparently, until now.

I've been dealing with school work for about 4 years now, and its cumbersome. Why in the world did I take a 5-year course?

Thing is, at the end of the day, I feel tired, but at the same time I feel like there's so much more I could've done. I haven't been that productive and yet I feel like I've exhausted all my energy. Weird.

I know there's just more to life that this.

Ugh. On a thinking mode at 4 in the morning.

It's another year! Time just flies sooo fast. The year 2000 just seemed like yesterday, now 7 years just passed. :P I spent the eve here at the comfort of my own home. My mom just got us roasted chicken for dinner then we waited for my brother's show on TV. He was invited to sing for a New Year's countdown celebration in GMA. How cool is that. :) No one had the courage to light up fireworks so we just watched as our neighbors lit theirs. :) I contributed to the noise too.. I put on all our cars' alarms! That was just for a couple of minutes though.. it got annoying and lame after a few repeats. :P So there, not much of a celebration, but it was peaceful and nice for me. :) Perhaps special celebrations are meant to be celebrated with someone special. *hint hint* Hmm.. for whom was that hint for? Dont ask. Haha.

I look back at the previous year, and I realize it had been one roller coaster ride. At first though, I was riding it with someone. Then he stepped out, and I went through the entire ride alone. Not really THAT alone.. luckily, I had people behind me. ;) I'm so thankful for them! I can never be thankful enough. :) Just like a roller coaster, the ride can make you dizzy, even sometimes make you want to hurl, but after all of it - the ups, downs, and loops - its just really all worth it. :) So this year, I'm riding it again.. hopefully this time, I'll have all the courage to scream at the top of my lungs, suck up the wind, and put my arms up freely.. hmm, but if its not too much to ask, a hand to hold would be pretty fantastic. ;) I'm so thankful for both the good and the seemingly bad things last year.. it made me grow up a little. It got me better perspective and better judgement. :) I like that.

I haven't done my new year's resolutions list yet, I haven't really thought it through. I'll defintely blog my list one of these days..

Btw, I got uber excited when someone texted me last new year's eve that he missed me. Yay! haha.. I really miss that guy already. He asked me out and said that we should catch up on things we missed. And I just said "yeah, we should."  We haven't hung out or seen each other for more than 2 years, I think. weeeee... I'll see you soon! Okaaaay..... I'm blushing....... ♥

I've been out the whole day... I gotta rest and go back to my DVD TV series marathon. :P I finally have the 3rd season of Grey's Anatomy!! woot woot!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!! Lots n lotsa love! mwahmwah! ♥

What's something you did when you were younger that you still haven't confessed to your parents?
Submitted by Bizz.

Having had a boyfriend / having been in a relationship.

My parents are THAT strict and perhaps conservative. It's just that relationships aren't really allowed in my home. Its sad, really. I've been in a couple of relationships, some superficial and some substantial. Regardless of its nature, I have learned so much especially with regards to dealing with people and with life in general. My dad's paranoia just goes overboard.. He'd simply say.. "it's not you I dont trust, its other people." Dont you just hate that? Up until now, I am controlled by him. He stayed in China for 16 years, and during that time I know for a fact that I was bubblier and I think I was better. I was happier. I had downs too but the downs made me feel alive, if you know what I mean. Forgive me for crying out loud but I'm already 21... and each step I take is still accounted for. I've always struggled getting into a relationship. Guys actually get freaked out with my dad. I can't blame them though. There is just sooo much to say but I think I'd rather keep it to myself, at least for now. So for as long as I'm in my home, I think I'm staying single.

Please dont get me wrong I love my parents. :) A lot more than I express it. Its just that sometimes, I feel like I'm missing out so much on life that it kills me. Quite literally.

But I'm alive, right? :) I'm good.. I just know I could be better. ♥

*deep sigh*

The problem with having good days... is that there will always be bad ones.

• I failed to be a friend today. I know I had a valid excuse for not being there since I really had to eat my lunch (was having an ulcer attack). However, I could've been more supportive as a friend.
  
• I felt really dumb during my business taxation exam. I wasn't able to study, but that wouldn't have changed a thing anyway. My attention span in this class passes just too quickly. The exam went really bad. I'm in college and still I need improvement on my study habits.
  
• Lastly, its matters of the heart. I guess wounds have healed, but its just recently that I realized it went deep. Band-aids or cover-ups just aren't enough.
  

I'm still thankful for the really good days, and I'm still looking forward to having them. Right now, all I can think of is sleeping just so the next day comes faster. Then again, we just can't cheat...

Despite my previous entry, today was a good day. A pretty good one at that. I could expound more on that... but I won't. Hahaha..

Ayway, I've shaken off that negative vibe I had earlier. I shouldn't really be bashing on someone else's problem.. but I just had to say what I said.. No regrets.

No offense meant either.

It has been months since my last entry. I can't seem to get myself to update my blogs regularly or as often as I want to. Sometimes I just dont know what to say, often I dont have time, or sometimes I get too negative, and sometimes my ideas are just not for sharing at all. In life, we try to put this front wherein we're all giddy and happy but most of us (if not all) have an alter ego that's either crushed or confused. I dont really like blogging about my sad or negative thoughts. Its just that when time comes that I'd re-read my entries, I dont want to end up thinking how bad my days went or something like that. Nevertheless, I find it easier to vent out when something bad happens. Dont we all do that? At times, the things that keep us happy are the the ones we want to keep to ourselves. We all have this selfish side I guess.. Or at least I do.

So for the past few weeks (or months), I haven't been that open. Lately, I've been just busy trying to be a friend someone very dear to me - Elaine. Other than that, I just try to ignore (or deny) other issues. My dad was a big thing last month. I had this part of me that wanted to rebel (Dont worry, I did not). I just felt like I'm being controlled a lot. I dont like the idea of living my life for someone else.. except God. Thanks to the power of prayer, I got to compose myself. There has been no resolve but I've been working on my patience. On one hand, my heart has been an issue too for the past few weeks. The last time I allowed myself to be open to someone, I ended up with a terrible heartache. My friends would constantly remind me of how better off I am without "this" guy. I understand them, really. I've reminded myself the same. But how do we tell ourselves not to care anymore? or love, for that matter? These are the sort of things that dont go overnight. Wounds have been healed, but scars do remain.

Being on a hiatus has its benefits.. I get to sulk in my own misery. haha, that sounded too sad. Well, we all do that anyway. We try to self-heal or something. Its all about taking our time to appreciate other aspects of life. I know this whole entry has been quite depressing, but, really, I'm doing okay. Right now, I'm just all focused in finishing school and being a friend. In terms of the heart, It's once again guarded.