9 posts tagged “mikko”
I got what I had expected. My feared moment came. Days before yesterday, I was hoping and praying that it wouldn't have to come to this.. but it was beyond my control. I tried so hard to be as civil as possible and I think I passed the test. But my friends sensed what was building up inside of me. I tried to put up a front, but my friends saw right through me. So they practically emulated the mixture of angst and hurt I was feeling deep inside. As I said in my last entry, I lost something and its because of a particular girl. Last night at a get-together, she just had to rain on my parade. I hate it that I can't seem to get myself to be mad at the person who brought her there... him.
I know it sounds peculiar that I keep talking about losing something. When in fact, all this is about a certain guy. To clear things, I know I didn't lose HIM (for as long as I still exist in his world, and he exists in mine). I lost, however, a possibility of something good. People would ask, "didn't you guys have a "thing" before?" Its that THING that matters, and I lost it. It could've been something more....................
I thought I was over this whole issue, then I realized that I just got so used to it. I said a month ago that I'd be okay.. my condition though was that "for as long as I'm not reminded of how he hurt me."
Not only was I reminded. I felt it once again.
We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe, and it works. -Grey's Anatomy
I've been ranting about this guy in school for months already.
Hopefully, this is the last time I'm going to talk about him (at least
in this context). I think I've finally let myself let go of the
feeling. It's not the person I'm letting go of, it's just what I feel
for him. I am not entirely void of emotional attachments but as far as
I know and feel, I dont long to be with him anymore. This is, I guess,
the strongest I've been eversince the whole thing with him happened. I
dont mean this in a negative way, dont get me wrong. I was given so
many reasons not to get hung up on him, the he-doesn't-deserve-you
speeches and advices I got from my friends.. and though I listened to
them, a huge part of me didn't believe them even if I wanted to. I
guess we all do that. We "hope against all logic, all experience.".
Eventually, I got myself to believe they're right.. even if it had to
mean sitting close to him, my arms brushing up his shirt, having our
faces inches away.. and still keep me from wanting to be back the way
things were with him. I guess we just deny to ourselves too much that
we're just self inflicting pain. So its all about seeing what you want
to see and believing what you choose to believe. Now, everything's
pretty much stable. I've given up all the drama.. uhm, just most of it.
:) I'm okay..
so, YAY to me! :D
Anyway, "moving on".... (hehehehe!)
The ticket I designed in one of my previous entries was disapproved by a certain org in school despite our batch president's approval.. Our university does not allow events organized by the student council that involves liquor or alcohol. Since my design had a martini glass.. I was advised to change the entire layout. But the theme is actually mixing cocktails. Incidentally, I learned that this is an underground activity - the cocktail mixing part. So now I have to design a new ticket.. WITHOUT a THEME. How am I supposed to do that now? Err. They need it first thing in the morning.. what to do.. what to do.. what to do.. (?)
Earlier, I (literally) got a headache from the noise inside the internet cafe near my school. I was doing my internal analysis paper in a net cafe filled with "gamers" who actually shout, scream and curse while they play. It was too annoying! I put my headphones on and I played music (via youtube) and I could still hear them! Is it necessary to be that loud while playing the computer?? I don't want to offend anyone who plays computer games, but I just wanted a little consideration.. being a gentleman wouldn't hurt y'know. It's not even their own computers for crying out loud! Its a public place! Agh. It just really pissed me off. Stress and noise.. uh-uh, bad combination.
Oh, random thought... I have a lnot-so-little crush on my law professor. *chuckles*
I wasn't able to sleep well last night since I was doing my paper for my Business Policies (BUSIPOL) class. I'll probably make up for it tonight...
Out.
So that was my late post for last saturday. :) Elaine and I swore we'd watch next year's pyrolympics.. hopefully with respective dates. ♥ hehehe...
For today, I'm relieved. I think the "thinking nights" I've been having are soon to be lessened. I hate it when I already have my eyes closed during the wee hours of the night, but my head is still working overtime. I get all emo then I'll spend a good 2 or even 3 hours staring at my ceiling with not-so-random thoughts. So why am I relieved? There's just no more running away. Got a little so-called peace of mind today. :) Got rid of some bitterness. That's just as far as I can say for now.
My dad however is still being cold. I dont get it. Tsss.
Today has been one heck of a day. I was happy, I almost cried, I got anxious, scared, freaked out and excited.. all in one day.
-
I met up with my guy bestfriend who by the way I
haven't seen for a few months already. Feels good to catch up a little. The hug and the jokes were the best parts of it. :)
-
Besh (my guy bestfriend) gave me a late Christmas gift. It
was a perfume from Bench (photo on the right). Love it! ♥ I feel bad that I wasn't able to
get him any. I just treated him out for lunch. I think I'll get him
something good on his birthday.. that's a couple of weeks from now. mental note: save save save!
- The guy was in school today and we didn't even see each other. He
was with our friends and I was with my bestfriend. I could've dropped
by where they were... but I didn't. Err. And I miss him sooooo much. :(
I badly wanted to be with him.. but something tells me I shouldn't. I have my reasons (as if him
already having a girlfriend isn't enough). I was so perplexed. Darn confused.
Worse thing is, this is just all me. :( - Question: Does the end
really justify the means?
- My professor (who I have a little crush on. haha) just called out
a graded recitation for "Laws on Partnership and Corporations". I wasnt
able to read on it. It's not like I have this burning interest to learn
about the Law. So next thing I know, he was picking index cards with
our names on them randomly. As he called name by name by name.. my
heart just kept beating faster. I kind of get anxiety attacks (not so
serious ones) when I'm intimidated. I'm weird like that. Luckily, I was
"saved by the bell" - such a relief.
- As I was driving home, there was an unusual heavy traffic a few blocks away from my house. 5 minutes passed, then 10.. then 15.. drivers of cars and trucks behind me started running out of patience. Then I saw 2 guys running while pushing an empty "stretcher" to the direction of the traffic. A few minutes after, they were running back with an old unconscious bloody guy on the stretcher. I was about 3-5 meters away from the guy. I saw his face and his wounds.. its giving me the creeps until now. Out of curiosity, I asked the bystander outside my car.. he said the guy had a bike accident. The car that bumped him just left. Its really sad. And scary. I hope and pray that he lives.
- I got home still dazed by what I witnessed. Then I suddenly got a call on my cel from Eden, she just had to tell me that I wont tickets for the World Pyro Olympics! She saw my name on this site. Yay! I posted about it yesterday and I think that was what made me win! :) I'd love to watch world-class fireworks! That'd be amazing. :) I'm still thinking of who I should tag along. A guy would be out of the question. Elaine maybe.. I'll ask her tomorrow.
Forgive the shifts of mood. Hah, I was pretty much like that the entire
day. I'm signing off, I have to put my head, heart and body to rest.
*yawn* There's still a blue sky waiting tomorrow...
I've been having nosebleeds since yesterday. I skimmed through our 20-year-old dusty medical book and found out that I may have just ruptured a nerve or something because of the excessive blowing of my nose. :P I have this non-stop runny nose that makes the bleeding happen every so often. It sucks. I just put cold compress on the bridge of my nose as the book advised. It helps the clotting. I hope this stops before classes start.. I dont want to gross out my professors. eww.
Last night, I sort of broke down. My tear ducts started to function again. I miss someone. Badly. It's just that I was doing so well in this not-thinking-about-him-i'm-moving-on stage in the past month that this was bound to happen. I visited school last thursday to pay my tuition and I saw the campus cold and empty. Most of my friends have graduated already. And him, he's one of those left behind, but I just can't hang out with him anymore.. or I simply choose not to. It's not like he misses me anyway. But I really do miss him, I'm just human. I hope this term goes well...
Speaking of this term, school resumes tomorrow. My classes are mostly in the evening. Soon it'll be summer, and as of now, I am not really looking forward to it. So night classes are the way to go.. stay in when the sun's out. Gah, I bring such a negative vibe. I'm supposed to be excited and all, but my mood since last night has turned me into this grinch.
I want to see my friends again.. and meet new people, that'll probably lighten up my mood. Our house has bored me to death. I need to see people. I need to hear voices. I'm starting to believe I'm friends with meredith grey, dr. yang.. and sometimes with rachel, chandler and ross. Freaky. :P
I'm still thinking of that new year's resolution list. I'll probably be
making one soon, I feel like I'm supposed to make some changes.. I
really do. I guess # 1 would be "be more optimistic this year" Hah. Anyway, that list will be coming up soon.. maybe later...
If I were to choose what superhero power I'd want to have.. I want to be invisible.
Oh wait.. I AM INVISIBLE. =/
No, I haven't gone crazy. It's just that I saw this guy in
school yesterday (the one i've been talking about). As I said in my
past post, I'm sort of confused on how I should be around him. I say
one thing, but I feel another. Anyway, before I left, he talked to my
friend for awhile.. I stood by just so I could say "bye" and "merry
christmas".. but he completely ignored me. I looked him in the eye..
yet, he didnt look at me at all.. not even a glance. So am I invisible
now? I was just infront of him. I just dont get why he did that. I know
I'm trying to get over this whole thing, but I really wanted to give
him a hug yesterday. I wanted peace of mind this Christmas..
I guess he has his. I was trying to control my tears. I pretty much did
until I got back inside school. I wish things wouldn't end this way...
no wait, I wish things just didn't have to end. period.
The icing-on-top-of-my-cake yesterday was that I failed my taxation class. I've been ranting about how I hated being in that class and this is what I get. Ugh, I hate it all the more. I have to repeat that 3-unit income and business taxation class. I feel bad wasting my parent's money. I could've passed if I had a better professor.. a kind-hearted one. I did learn a lot but she seriously enjoys it when none of us gets the right answers in her quizzes. Only 5 people passed in my class, we were i think around 23 students. :( I've accepted the 0.0 in my card, there was nothing I could have done anyway. I'm taking it again next term with a different professor. It's sweeter the second time around, right? Sheesh.
I met Kenna yesterday. She gave me a CD. I felt guilty having nothing in exchange. I owe her. When I listened to the Santa Baby CD on my way home.. it sort of got me away from all the pressures of the day. It was jazzy and Christmas-y. ♥ When we were texting about how I failed my subject, she said "I really dont know what to say"... but really, the CD was more than enough. :) Thanks Kenna, and CONGRATS!
My dad is going to kill me soon. He got home yesterday with a gift for
me, I thanked him then went inside my room. I just felt even more guilty having failed. I locked up so he wouldn't
have to see my grades (that's the reason why I wasnt able to blog
yesterday). If my dad had a pet peeve, it would be failure.
Seriously. So when I woke up this morning, my mom told me that my dad
already knows. Okay... so there, consider me dead.
In relation to the film, it's nice to know that people can change in the name of Love. It gives me a sense of hope. I've been in and out of relationships, it hasn't been all good. I want to change that... so this one's a start...
I'm giving up on someone now. It has gone as far as it could, and I dont think it will go anywhere beyond what we have. He has someone now (his ex), and I made the mistake of believing we had a chance. The risk was taken, and I don't regret that. Since then, I've been finding it hard to be friends with him. Every minute I spend with him are the times I miss him more. It's just the worst feeling, believe me. Ironically, I'm not hurting because he's not with me.. but because he's still in me. I just can't get him out of my system. I thought things would change, I thought he would. This time though, I'm making a choice, and that's to stop. It's not that I can't go on, it's just that it would be best not to. And that is not for my selfish reasons, it's good for both of us. He has his girl, and I have to stop hurting. Lately, he's been saying the wrong things, it hurts me.. so this time, I'm taking control. I don't want things to end on a bad note. He makes me happy, I can't deny that.. but that is as far as it should go. I will just try to stay away, not because I'm angry, its just that I want to help myself. I hope that's not too hard to understand. I have nothing against him, not yet. That's why I'm doing this. I really hope this wouldn't take too long... :(
For all it's worth... being with him was a walk to remember ♥ Thank you, mikko.
It has been 4 dreadful days and I'm still sick. I get migraines.. my colds just wont stop.. I'm starting to become a mouth-breather.. I cough as if all my insides want to come out.. err, okay im starting to get icky. :P Anyway, I just like to share the story of my day, here it goes...
9:55 am - I was late for my 9:40 MARKSOC class (for the nth time). We were supposed to have a presentation on our social marekting plan but since classes got suspended last week, it got postponed to next week. We really needed additional time.
11:30 am - This guy I've been rambling about for the past months was my classmate in my literature class. It was his birthday last saturday and I made it a point that I got him something good. And I did. Or so I thought. When I got to class, I gave him a keychain (that wasn't the gift yet) and he really was thankful for it. It served as an "appetizer" supposedly :P Just when I was about to give him my real gift.. he popped out an "object" from his bag and told me that he got this "thing" for his birthday (which seemed like it came from his girl). I was in shock! It was the exact same thing I was about to give him! I dont know if he noticed but it was like I wanted to melt right then and there. I practically chickened out.
1:00 pm - I was still confused on whether I should give my gift to him or not. I was trying to analyze if this was some sort of sign. Something like.. he already has one, so why does he need another? (And that thing can be interpreted in so many ways!) My mind was quite messed up. I just ate my lunch but my sickness got the best of me. With no appetite, I ate just 1/3 of my food. I felt like I wasted money and so I asked if the guys from the resto if they can keep my food until later. They allowed it. So no wasted money..
1:50 pm - I started having migraines.
2:40 pm - I learned that on thursday I have to sing in class to makeup for my absences. Bummer. I only sing in the privacy of my bathroom. They'll regret it, y'know. During this class, I felt so restless. The idea of the gift incident was taking over me. To give or not to give?
5:40 pm - My bestfriend dropped by school to get something from Elaine. I was smiling despite the uneasiness I was feeling with my migraine. He had a special friend with him.. and it seemed like she wasnt very happy to see me. She didnt smile nor looked at me, she could have at least tried. But all I got was a big pout. Anyway, I also felt bad that my bestfriend, of all people, didn't bother to know how I was. I've been sick for a few days, not a word from him.
6:20 pm - During my BUCOTAX. I texted him to meet me after class. I finally decided to give the gift anyway.
6:45 pm - My business taxation professor gave us our grades for the midterm. I got a 69. Without mercy, she gave me a failing grade. I needed a 70 to pass. I don't want to flunk this term. Please.
7:30 pm - I was anxious to meet him. I went up to his class and we stayed for around 30 mins. I waited til we both had to go before I gave him my gift. He thanked me then he gave me a nice hug and a peck on the cheek. It still worries me though that my gift would have no meaning whatsoever. Like its just a duplicate or something. Well, I'm just thankful I made him smile.. and at least I got a good hug. It's more than what I had expected.
9:00 pm - My bestfriend called me. He was asking how I was!! I have no idea why he did such thing. As if he read my mind! It felt really good that he just had the urge to ask me. I was starting to think that I was losing him. Apparently, he's still there. Really, how could he have known?
Things that happened to me today just tried to balance themselves out - the good and the bad. The *gift* was the highlight of my day.. it lasted all throughout. I pulled it off anyway so I guess I'm okay. Things happen for reasons we cannot explain. I just have to live with it.
I think I'm going on an all-nighter tonight for my export marketing presentation tomorrow morning. I'm still alive. My migraine is killing me, but I have to work work work.. I'll get my much needed rest hopefully after class tomorrow.
Sheeesh, I'm still sick.
I just got home from a body massage with my folks. We tried this new spa in Magallanes. It was okay but I miss the old spa I used to go to. Its kind of far from my place so I haven't gone there for quite some time. The price is pretty affordable. There they have a sauna, hot shower, the massage is great, and they serve coffee or juice. :) Talk about being pampered. If you're from the north, you might want to try Excelsior Spa in Galleria. :)
I'm sick as hell today. My nose is clogged up.. I can hardly breathe.. I'm having a sore throat.. and my head is throbbing. My fingers feel kind of weak too. I thought the massage would help, I dont think it did. I'm all covered up in some minty oil.. and now my body heat is cooking me. :P Anyway, after my massage I got myself a cup of gingerbread latte thinking it would make me feel better. Unfortunately, I couldn't enjoy it! Apparently I have no sense of taste! Ugh. It sucks. I don't like being sick! *sigh* Who does anyway?
I hope this will be gone by tomorrow morning. I have tons of school work to finish. Final projects and presentations are due next week. If my sickness gets worse, I might as well kill myself. I think I'm gonna go get some rest now...
Btw, HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY MIKKO! :) I owe you a hug... and a lot more.
